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On Hiatus
I’ve decided to take a break from blogging here. Frankly, it’s just too difficult to avoid straying into negative territory. If you’d like to follow me elsewhere, I invite you to click over to my photo blog (which I’ll actually start updating again!) or look me up on Facebook.
Tagged HiatusWisdom Is Where You Find It
I had an interesting weekend. A good weekend. Now that several days have gone by, I think I can safely say I’ve turned a corner and my emotional state is much improved. Thank you to those that have inquired through out this little episode.
It was an interesting event that precipitated this reversal in attitude. I was out in the yard early Saturday, enjoying the sunshine, the cold crisp air and attempting to photograph frost. Hey, it’s what a photographer does!
It really was beautiful as the frost was heavy and starting to melt a bit in the early light. I can’t say I captured a single frost photo I was happy with, but I suspect there will be ample opportunities this winter.
At one point during my photo shoot, I noticed that the melting frost was forming nice little water droplets. If you’ve followed my photography for any length of time you’ll have noted that I have a “thing” for water droplets and of course, there was no way I could resist.
You can see the result in the photo here. Probably one of my best shots of a droplet to date really. I love that I nailed the focus well enough that you can see ice forming on the surface of the droplet from the cold air.
The thing about photographing water droplets is that so many factors come into play that a large amount of luck is involved in getting a good photo. Take this case, for example. I just happened to turn a look behind me while I was setting up a shot on another droplet. The reflection of the sun caught my eye and I noticed this perfect water droplet. I had just enough time to turn, focus and shoot three photos before the surface tension of the water failed and the droplet fell to the ground and was gone.
Later in the house I was post-processing photos and thinking about this water droplet. The thing that struck me is that you can’t force a water droplet photo to happen. It just has to be the right time, the right place. The conditions have to be right. You need interesting light. You have to be ready when everything comes together. And the most important thing maybe? If there aren’t any water droplets, you just go photograph something else until there are.
I guess in that moment of clarity, I realized I’ve been trying to force the universe to give me what I want, instead of simply appreciating what life is handing me. It’s what people have been telling me recently, but I needed the wisdom of a water droplet to understand it for myself. And that bit of knowledge helped put things back into balance for me.
Unrelated, my favorite Christmas song so far this year. Enjoy!
A Cradle In Bethlehem
The Beautiful Mistake
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Tagged Droplet, Photo, Wisdom, ZenLooking For A Steady State
It’s a horrible cliche, but things are definitely in the “one day at a time” category around here. Sometimes “one hour at a time” if I’m being completely honest.
I’m trying to focus on the positive — and intellectually I know there’s plenty of that around — but occasionally during the day this shadow will come over me like a heavy weight being draped over my shoulders. I’ll feel a sorrow so deep that it physically hurts. When it happens I just want to lay down, curl up and let the world move on with out me.
Sad and sappy I know… but it’s how I feel. I know that bothers some people. I see the results in friends that I suddenly don’t hear from, e-mails that go unanswered, people that avoid me. Most people just want to see the smiling, useful person. We’re not supposed to reveal the inner being, right? I try to put on a happy face around my friends, but sometimes the mask slips and darkness leaks out. I just can’t prevent it.
In the mean time, I’m still trying to kick start my Christmas cheer. I’ve been pulling out some of my favorite music and wading through new releases as they come out. I still haven’t gotten beyond that. No tree, no decorations. I’m not even sure I’ll bother with a card this year.
I was excited at one point about getting a new tree this year but I think I’ll just pull the little one out of the basement and use it. Lindsey will be over this weekend, I can probably get her to help me decorate it. At least I have plenty of room for a tree this year. That’s a good thing. Maybe we’ll even light the fireplace for the first time.
Forget December
Something Corporate
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Tagged Christmas, Emotional State, PerseveranceImprovement
Cutting to the chase, rehearsals for “Snowbound” last night rocked. It felt really, really good to be directing again. Clearly, my fears were unfounded. Not surprising.
My attitude on that started to turn around yesterday afternoon, long before rehearsal. I was trying to find my battered, old, leather briefcase that I use to carry around my script, notepad, pencils and the like when I’m working on a production. I finally unearthed it down in the basement. It was full of papers and stuff so I started cleaning it out.
It turned out to be a collection of notes, schedules and artwork from the production of “Blithe Spirit” I directed in 2003. That was a really special show for many reasons. Great cast, good material, a really successful show. Finding the original poster artwork really brought back all those memories and I have to confess, I had a bit of an emotional moment there in the basement.
I guess I needed that release and that reminder of how much I love theater when I give myself over to it. That little boost helped. A lot.
I think part of the problem I’m dealing with right now is an overall lack of confidence. Several of you wrote me about this, and intellectually I’m aware that I’m not such a bad guy. But I don’t *believe* it — in my heart — not right now. I’m just going to have to work on that.
In the mean time, I really am trying to focus on more positive things. Like getting my holiday season mojo up to speed. I’ve been sorting through old Christmas music and adding some new music to my library. As you can probably imagine, a lot of what I listen to isn’t exactly mainstream. Heh. Understatement. I’ll be sharing some samples with you as we careen into the holidays, starting with a personal fave!
Christmas Night Of Zombies
MXPX
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Tagged Christmas, Emotional State, MusicNightmare
I appreciate the messages I’ve received from a few of you. I have read them even though I’m not responding individually. The amusing thing is the post drew far more spam comments than real. I guess advertising and human misery go well together.
I haven’t slept well the past two nights. Strange, vivid nightmares. Last night it was being buried in a landslide. What woke me up wasn’t my own death but not being able to save the people with me. A bit puzzling that.
The nightmares aren’t surprising considering that I’m wearing anxiety like a cloak right now. I just can’t shake it off. I feel like this there’s big knot of pain and sadness where my heart used to be. I think the pain has always been there, I just walled it off so I didn’t have to feel it.
I’m trying to free up capacity to cope with this depression but the timing is not good. I’m juggling too many projects. I’ve pulled out of a few things yesterday and am finishing up a development job today or tomorrow. But I’ve also got rehearsals for the show I’m directing starting tonight and honestly, I’m not looking forward to it right now.
I almost resigned earlier in the planning process and now I’m thinking I should have. Too late now. I adore the people I’m working with, but I’m just not sure I still have what it takes to do this. That’s fear talking, I know that. But I’m just not confident about *anything* at the moment. And I know I’m in no shape to interact with other people.
I’m not one to break commitments lightly, so I’ll do the best I can to get through it. It might be the lift my spirits need. Maybe.
Soil’s Song
Katatonia
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False
The dream is so far
Come and take the consequence
Few things are as certain
Winter state
Oppressive wait
Evacuate
Assemble here
Soil’s song
In your throat
Future death
In your reach
Who’s first
Ok
Mask
Your face well hidden
Keep your last words in your hand
Fold it and open up
Time to go
Release the glow
This Is Not Easy
What’s the saying? Two steps forward, one step back? Or maybe in my case it’s one step forward, two steps back. All I know is I’m tired of this. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being like this. I can’t seem to find my emotional “steady state” as I oscillate from one extreme to the other.
I had a great Thanksgiving, that’s the ironic thing. I was so worried that I was going to wind up feeling awkward and out of place and I wound up having one of the best days I can remember. Then yesterday I go to a dinner party with friends that I’ve been looking forward to and I end the evening depressed and filled with self-hatred. What the hell?!
I don’t even know where these feelings are coming from or when I started hating myself so much. I was at the party last night and things were fine at first but as the night progressed I could see the crash coming but I couldn’t find a way to stop it. I just kept thinking “I don’t belong here with these people. They’re all beautiful and talented and witty and I’m none of those things. I’m just a fat, aging hack and it’s all downhill from here.”
I guess that’s the crux of it. I hate who I am. I don’t believe anyone will ever love me again. Life is not a fairytale. Not everyone gets a “happily ever after.” And I don’t deserve it in any case. I mean, if I can’t love myself why *would* anyone else?
Save Me From Myself
Vertical Horizon
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Save me from myself
I can’t relate
We’re mouth to mouth
And still I suffocate
There´s nothing left
Inside for me to break
Save me from myself…
Walk Into The Light
This has been a good week. I think I more or less bottomed out last weekend and my emotional state has improved dramatically since then. I think a big part of it was that I simply decided that I was tired of being bitter and depressed. Attitude plays an important role in how I’m feeling I’ve discovered.
I’m still not happy with where I find myself in life but I’ve made the mistake of letting dissatisfaction with a relatively *small* part of my life influence how I feel about the rest. That’s no way to live. And that’s not the kind of person I want to be.
So I’m going to try to focus on the positive things in my life. There are plenty and for that I’m grateful, even if I have lost sight of them here lately.
I’m also going to make a stronger effort to take time out for me. I spend a lot of time doing things for other people. I guess I am a sort of “people pleaser.” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but when you forget to do things for yourself — and give your batteries a chance to “recharge” — it’s easy for your life to get out of balance. I think it’s safe to say I’ve been wobbling for some time now.
I don’t expect that things will change overnight but any journey starts with the first step, right? Time to get stepping I think…
Lately
Day Of Fire
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It’s time to forget about all the things you’ve been thinkin’ about lately;
Lately, it’s been a rollercoaster, those doubts and reasons why;
It’s time to forget about all the lies that are makin’ your heart angry;
Angry, and all the ones that said, you would never ever fly.
Fly…
Cuttin’ through, feel the groove of the day,
Pushin’ through the pain ’till it goes away, yeah…
Memories cuttin’ like a razor blade,
Pushin through the pain ’till it fades away, yeah…
Emotionally Volatile
Life has been emotionally taxing lately. A real roller coaster of good days and bad days. When I step back and look at things critically, I can see that this is mostly in my head. I can be fine one moment and then someone will say or do something and I just start spinning out of control. Inside, I mean.
It’s me. Rationally I know that. These episodes are based on perfectly harmless words and actions, in some cases from good friends. They’re just getting twisted when I process them. I manage to find ways to extract negative meanings from the silliest things.
I don’t really know when or how I became so… emotionally fragile. I don’t like it. Not one bit. It’s gotten bad enough that I really think I need professional help. I’ve worked with a therapist in the past and it helped a great deal. Looks like it might be time to do so again. Better to suffer through painful interaction with a human being than add more meds to my daily regimen.
That’s how I feel right now at least. But I can tell you that an hour from now, or tomorrow or next week the urge to push everyone away and ride the roller coaster to the bottom will be overwhelming again. I just can’t seem to hang on to the motivation long enough to start changing the situation.
Crazy as this sounds, I swear at times I feel like two people inhabiting the same consciousness. One that cares and one that doesn’t. All of this pain and stress lately is just a side affect of their struggle to see which personality will dominate in the end. Are either of them really me? Does one or the other have to be eliminated or do they need to learn to play well together? I don’t know the answers…
Last Call At The Dolly
These Green Eyes
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All right so this is it
I finally had enough of hanging around here
Feeling sorry for myself
It’s almost been five years of trying
Just enough to keep from feeling
Bad enough about myself
To question what went wrong
It’s like I woke up from a dream
Where I was trapped inside a bottle
And part of me had been shut off and boarded up
And here I am
All the choices I never make
And the chances I never take
The steps I wish I could retrace
But I’m not giving up
No I’m not giving up
Until the day my eyes roll back into my head
Until I choke on my last breath
Until no one remembers
A single god-damned thing I’ve ever said or done
But I woke up from my dream
And I threw away the bottle
And everything I boarded up came pouring out
And the sky has never looked so clear
Through bloodshot eyes without the fear
Of letting go and moving on and walking on my own
Here I am
All the choices I never make
And the chances I never take
The steps I wish I could retrace
Whooooaaaaaa whooooaa…
This is a trap
The life we lead
The life we lead too [????]
We owe ourselves much more than what we now accept
Until the day our eyes roll back
Until we choke on our last breath
Until no one remembers
Until no one remembers
Here I am
All the choices I never make
And the chances I never take
The steps I wish I could retrace
Here I am
All the choices I never make
And the chances I never take
The steps I wish I could retrace
Exhaustion
What a long, tiring week this has been. I actually had to go into the office for TWO days in a row. TWO days people. That’s like an eternity when you normally only see the inside of an office once every few months at best.
I’m spoiled that’s for sure. I work out of my home, surrounded by a bank of computers and laptops connected to the internet with business class broadband. I work via e-mail and instant messaging. In dire circumstances I’ll occasionally speak to someone on the phone. But only if I have to.
Not this week. A co-worker came up from California so we pulled our virtual team together for two days of face-to-face meetings and planning sessions for 2010. With a couple of lunches thrown for good measure.
Mind you, I *like* all of these people. I work on a great team, most of whom I’ve known and worked with for 20 years now. But when the best that can be said about you is that you’re well intentioned but socially inept, even being around people you know for an entire day can be exhausting. Just focusing for that long will take it out of you. Having to interact just burns the energy quicker.
Back to my normal routine today though, and Fridays are normally quiet. I’m looking forward to it!
This weekend I’ll mostly hang out with my daughter, maybe squeeze in a light hike and photo outing if the weather isn’t too nasty. I’m going to try to avoid accomplishing anything else this weekend. I think I’ve earned it!
Momentum
The Hush Sound
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You are the dark ocean bottom
And I am the fast sinking anchor
Should I fall for you,
Should I fall for you?
You are the scar on my tissue
That I show all of my new friends
Should I show you me,
Should I show you me?
All we need is a little bit of momentum
Breakdown these walls that we’ve built around ourselves
All we need is a little bit of inertia
Breakdown and tell, breakdown and tell
That you are the rain on the fire
Deep in the trees when no one was looking
Should I speak of this,
Should I speak of this?
You are a mirage in the distance
That defies the heat of the desert
Should I believe in you,
Should I believe in you?
All we need is a little bit of momentum
Breakdown these walls that we’ve built around ourselves
All we need is a little bit of inertia
Breakdown and tell, breakdown and tell
These rules are made to break and these walls are built to fall
These rules are made to break us
These rules are made to break and these walls are built to fall
These rules are made to break us all
All we need is a little bit of momentum
Breakdown these walls that we’ve built around ourselves
All we need is a little bit of inertia
Breakdown and tell, breakdown and tell
That you are…
Break down and tell (x4)
That you are…