It Mystifies Me…
I take a lot of personality-type tests. Most of them suggest that I’m a problem solver. I like to understand how things work, at least conceptually. So when I run into something I can’t grok, it gnaws at me. I may be able to set it aside for a while but I know it will come back around and I’ll find myself worrying at the problem again and again.
I have to confess, human relationships are one of those things. I really still don’t get it, which is strange because I was married for nearly 17 years. I must have been going through the motions. Whatever mysterious alchemy or ritual resulted in that previous relationship defies replication. I can’t make it work. Attempts to do so have resulted in failure after failure, some of the them spectacular.
The advice I normally get from friends is that “when the time is right, it will happen.” Bollocks! I’m convinced that perversity is woven into the fabric of the universe. Left to its own devices, the universe will screw you over. The house always wins. I want to influence the odds a little in my favor.
I just have to figure out how.
In the mean time I’ll set this problem aside again. I’ve got a great life after all. I have a lot of freedom to pursue my interests. I do things that I enjoy and I’m generally happy. It’s not so bad really. Most days I convince myself that’s all true, because it is. But occasionally I see a happy couple in a casual moment of intimacy and a little voice pipes up, “Yeah you’ve got a great life… but you’re not sharing it with anyone in a meaningful way!” Stupid inner voices.
Anyway, I have a lot of female readers. So enlighten me. Your minds are a dark and mysterious place. I have no clue what’s in there… shoes probably. But there’s more, I know it! So hit me with your wisdom. How does a quirky, absent-minded, middle-aged guy that reads too much science fiction and fantasy and is built like a bear about to hibernate for winter find true love?
Ugh. Spoken from another hibernator…
I am having the same issues you are, except that I’m starting brand new at 36 by moving 2300 miles away from everything I have known since I got out of the AF back in 1996. It’s tough to put yourself back out there, especially since we are older, wiser & won’t put up with the same-old-crap.
My inner voices scream at me, too & it’s very frustrating because I want to share things with a special someone, but I almost don’t want to go thru the effort to do it. It’s tough work! And I’m freakin picky!
I found a new FREE online dating website. Would you like for me to share it with you?
M~
Hi Mike!
Nice new blog.
No answers … but thankfully after a series of mistakes I’m in a zone of contentment with what I’ve got (me!) and cant’ be bothered with the effort of trying to find someone any more. don’t know if that will last through the winter but hibernation sounds like a good ploy. :-0
Well…a couple of questions first. I may have read into it, or just plain read it wrong, but are you saying you want to make the relationship with your wife work? That you’d like to give it another go? If that is the case, then ask yourself why? Is it because you love her, or is it because you have a need to fix something that you felt you couldn’t fix the first time around. Like a need to solve a problem that has stumped you? If it’s the latter, then it’s not working because the reason you are doing it is not right. you can’t fix it simply because it’s broke. If you want to fix it because you love her, then there’s a chance..but she has to reciprocate that feeling, otherwise, you’re just cheating yourself.
That said, if I totally misunderstood and you just want to make a relationship work in general, then you’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m clueless and have no good advice to give other than just be yourself, because the minute you start changing yourself to please someone else and make them like you, then you’re back to that “your cheating yourself” problem again. Make sense? I’ve been married coming up on 19 years and there are times it works and times we want to kill each other I’m sure (I know I do ;P ) but one thing it comes down to is this, we love each other and sometimes there’s give and sometimes there’s take….
Among my single friends, it seems to happen for them the minute they stop looking for it. WHAMMO! But the ones who are looking for it? I think they wouldn’t know it if they were hit over the head for it. It’s kind of like when I’m walking around looking for my car keys and they’re in my hand the whole time. I was looking so hard I didn’t notice what was right in front of me. You know what I mean?
I don’t know…maybe I’m just talking out the side of my @$$…
Just to clarify, getting back together with the ex is not what I was referring to. We remain friends, but I don’t think either of us wants that.
In that case, skip my first paragraph altogether and go for the second. I can tell you this much, I’ve changed myself so many times over the years to suit what I thought other people wanted of me that I kind of lost myself for awhile. I feel like I’m constantly on the look out for who I am now. My husband is the one I change myself for most often. Being and officers wife is a lot to hold up to, having to project the “proper” image and whatnot, it’s just not who I am. I struggle with it a lot and so my best advice to anyone is to always remain true to yourself first and foremost in all relationships because trying to get that back int he long run is such a b*tch. I think you are a really cool guy and any girl would be lucky to have you, but if you were to try to change yourself to be what you percieve someone else wants, then in the end you could wind up miserable. That doesn’t mean don’t try to overcome bad habits or stop growing as a person etc…but in the end, keep the core “Michael-ness” of it all. Does that make any sense at all?
I hope it comes out right…I’m no good at this sort of thing. I’m no Aunt Annie that’s for sure..
Stacie
wait…Aunt Annie…is she the pretzel chic? If so then I think I mean Ann Landers or something like that…
I think some women are focused on who they are attracted to, sexually. So they seek a man who makes their socks roll up and down. Some women are very strict on a man having “certain” qualities…so much so they have a “list”. If a guy doesn’t have an item on the list, he is left standing on the street corner.
Some women believe in having a “soulmate”. So they hold out on dating and spend their time either searching, or believing that destiny will bring their true love to their front door. Still others, believe in just finding love from a friendship, having compatiability and common interests. They live in the moment and the now.
I agree with Marianna ~ start with an online dating service or match service. You can describe yourself and those things important to you and what you seek in a relationship. On the flip-side, you can search out women that hold those qualities you look for, and have the same idea that you have in regards to relationship styles, etc.
I know it sounds absurd at first…I was in denial, myself.
But I took the plunge this week, as my son was concerned I may end up an old lady by the sea with 13 cats…
I love your new blog. The look is great. As for your love life, I don’t have a clue. I got married at 19. I have been married for 33 years but 17 years ago my husband had a cerebral hemorrage and has memory problems. So lucky for us he forgets what a b*tch he’s married to. It works for us.
It is tricky. I have to admit… it does sometimes feel very alchemical. Gay men often understand women quite easily, and vice versa. I always say it’s a soul-energy thing.
You do know that Sci-Fi is more popular with women than it’s ever been? You may be a tad bored at the Sci-Fi conventions… but you’re much more apt to meet women who at least have that one thing in common with you.
Seems no matter what subject I or others talk about… the one piece of advice that rings with at least some truth is that people who do not give up… eventually succeed. Not getting tired along the way is the real hard part.
~S
Thanks for the advice everyone. I’ve made some resolutions this weekend that will at least shake things up a bit. I’m not sure I’m ready for Internet dating but I guess it couldn’t hurt to try if things don’t pan out. SciFi conventions on the other hand would be fun with or without romance!