Staying In Character
Looking back, 2007 was not necessarily the best year on record for me. Granted, I didn’t have any really big, traumatic events and for that I’m grateful, but in other ways I really failed to make personal progress on some things I wanted to change. As often seems to be the case, it leaves me standing at a crossroads of sorts as a new year thunders in. And I’m torn about which direction to take. The road that is safe and comfortable? Or the dark, twisty path that barely appears as a smudge on my crumpled and torn map?
Here’s the thing… I’m not happy with the role I’ve been cast in. I didn’t audition for this part, it just happened. Upbringing, environment, genetics, education… all contributing factors I guess but it adds up to a person I wanted to change this past year. And I tried, I really did. I made an effort to open up to new people and new experiences. I tried to look at and interact with the world differently.
Oh, there were successes along the way. Online at least I started becoming involved with new, non-traditional communities for me and found a great deal of acceptance. It’s the offline world, the “real” world that is causing me pain and uncertainty. My attempts to change my life has been, in come cases, met with resistance and outright rejection. I’m sad to say that it has cost me several friendships.
I’m not really talking about any truly radical changes or earth-shattering revelations. I just wanted to be accepted for who I am. To be appreciated as a whole person and not just for this trait or that skill. I’m not just a quirky, motorcycle-riding, vaguely humorous, computer gaming nerd. I have dreams, passions, interests, thirsts, desires, aspirations, goals, needs.
I’m so tired of people taking the slice of me that they want and rejecting the rest. Why do I have to stay in character to be part of other peoples lives? What kind of choice is that? Conform to societies norms, be useful or be rejected? Part of me wants to rage at the perceived injustice and refuse to bend. And yet…. and yet there is a small voice inside that cries out for acceptance, at any cost.
So here I am at the crossroads. Do I take the path of least resistance, stay in character and be the person I’m expected to be? Or do I trod down this unknown road in search of people that will accept the whole and complete person I am, warts and all? Wow, how the hell did I wind up here?
Wow - not a happy note to end the year with! Reminds me a bit of my own path this last year, in some ways … a few years ago a boyfriend (who turned out to be a MCP of high class degree) was determined to change me; of course, it made me dig in my heels and refuse to be changed for anyone. (If I remember rightly, it was the chaos that I call domesticity that really got him …) About a year ago, though, the boyfriend of the moment told me he was not going to change in this relationship so I would have to accept him for the way he is. That was pretty much a death-knell for that! Sorry - but if I find someone then he WILL change because he will want to be and do for me things he has never tried before. As a single guy I’m guessing he never went out and bought flowers, but he jolly well ought to for me
It made me realise the two sides to the story (and how hypocritical I can be - I won’t change, but he will). Since then, inexplicably, I’ve come to accept that what I have and who I am, is just fine, and I’m not really looking for anyone to accept me or change me or be with me … and this has come about mainly, I think, because at the moment I’m just happy being who I am. Don’t ask me how it happened, though - it just crept up on me!
Nobody’s perfect - everyone has little things that others don’t like and seems to me reasonable that it comes with the package but that doesn’t mean I have to say I like it! And there’s still things I don’t like about myself but I don’t feel guilty that they’re there any more … yes “warts and all” but I don’t have to say I like the warts!
So here’s to 2008 and being who we are, and not feeling guilty about the warts, and laughing at our foibles, and getting on with being content
Cheers!
This is an excellent post, Michael. It really resonates with me. I’m a bit sick and tired of sticking to the safe and known path myself.
It’s often so hard to be seen as the whole person, but it’s truly necessary.
Here’s to new ground in ‘08!
When I met Mrs A., I knew I would be going down a different path, as did she. And together we have been many places we never would have gone alone. Scares the sh8t out of me at times, but certainly not boring. Live your life the way YOU want to.
Good luck and many new adventures in 2008.
but in other ways I really failed to make personal progress on some things I wanted to change.
Yeah…me too. I am right there with you on that one.
And hon, I have absolutely NO idea which path you should take….just make sure it’s the one that makes you happy!
I have mostly taken the path least traveled. I wish I could be all proud of that, like I’m some anarchistic rebel, but I’m afraid for me, bravery has little to do with it. I just suck at pretending, and it appears that others aren’t willing to let me pretend.
I can say that for me… the friends I have made along the path less traveled are a lot more fun than the safe friendships that sometimes make me feel accepted by the whole. Many friends have not grown with me. And yet… there are thousands more out ther I’ll share something in common with. Think about it, Mike… it may sometimes feel difficult to meet people… but just the numbers game would indicate that there are at least several thousand people who share your perspectives, values and interests in Seattle area alone. Sometimes, when we’re tired of the search, we try to convince ourselves of its futility so we can rest. But… I feel pretty sure there are people out there who will appreciate all of you, not just a role they want you to play.
Happy Birthday, by the way! (Marianna is a blabbermouth)
~S
I have come to realize for myself, that if I choose to remain the person that everyone expects of me, then am I really living at all? I have been breaking down emotional and personal walls all through 2007, and believe me, as the sole architect of my walls, they were built quite soundly, indeed. If we are to embrace the gift of life we are given, then we must be true to ourselves. That means to take a path that is indeed our own, to allow ourselves to follow the path that might be dark and unknown, the journey that is still unwritten. I too, have a collection of warts, and it is those very imperfections that give me my individuality and defines my spirit. Warts are beautiful!
I say go with the unknown road and I will be waving at you from up the lane as I sip my turquoise tea and embrace a lilac sky :x)
LMAO @ Shephard’s last comment!
Happy belated Birthday, Mike!
I will say this much about you ~ I am FOREVER grateful that I had the opportunity to meet you! Seriously, you are a very good friend to me & I KNOW I will see you again after I leave.
I think you are constantly growing ~ I see it in your words here. You are wanting to improve things & that, to me, is a good thing. Being stagnant is not a good thing!
M~
Chameleon. That’s what I’ve always said about myself…I’m a chameleon. I blend in with my surroundings. I change to meet other peoples needs and expectations with each different friendship or relationship or family member or aquantance I come across. This sounds to me like what you do as well. I’m tired of being a Chameleon. This year I want to be a Water Dragon! I’m going for it, I think you should too!
This post is one of my all time favourites ever in all of blogland! It really hit home for me.
Stacie
You were going to sneak a birthday by us? Aw, c’mon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!
I *did* put a “Happy Birthday” song in the jukebox…
I got a big cup of understanding myself this year and so all I can offer is that if you understand who you are, it’s easier to play the roles as needed. All the World’s a Stage… right? Well, not every actor plays the same role… some people are type-cast, that’s true, but even Jim Carey can be ace Venture and the guy in Number 23 based on the role that he needs to play.
Don’t go changing just to please us, we like the just the way you are…
Sometimes I really can’t bring myself to care about other people’s expectations of me except for four people: my wife, my parents and my employer. If I am living up to my own expectations, then I am happy with the results. Am I living up to my own expectations at the moment? Not a chance in H-E-double hockeysticks. My biggest failings are in managing my finances and my weight/health. I am bigger now then the last time you saw me.