I had time to do a little thinking while on the road this past weekend. That’s not always a good thing. I tend to do better when I’m busy enough that I don’t have time for my mind to wander. Driving cross country on two lane roads with sparse traffic doesn’t take much attention. So I thought.
Your heartbeat is pulsing at night in your chest
It’s gold and it’s glowing with all the life you have left
Here’s the thing. It’s not often that I spend all that much time around people on a continuous basis. So this weekend was unusual because except for evenings when we turned in, I was around the same person from morning to night. And it was a challenge for me. A real strain.
Your eyes are like sea glass, so weathered and worn
From all they’ve seen of adolescence torn
That’s one of the reasons motorcycle touring works so well for me. It’s not really a social activity. I’m with other people, but not really because I’m on my motorcycle, tucked away in my own helmet and everything and everyone else is at arms length while we’re riding.
The lovers who have tainted you, they pulled you into the night
They touched your skin with velvet gloves and made you feel alive
So I wondered as I drove along this weekend, is that my fate? To become so comfortable in my solitude that I simply stop seeking out the company of other people? I realized it’s been ages really since I gave any serious thought to dating, or even hanging out for purely social reasons with people I’ve known for years. And it really doesn’t bother me anymore.
You are weathered and worn
Your petals soft and torn
I don’t know if it’s a good thing. I’m not even sure if it’s a conscious choice. It may just be a way of avoiding the feeling that I don’t fit in, eliminating the possibility of rejection. It’s an ongoing conflict between mind and heart I think.
Run where you’ll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There’s not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade
Sometimes I just think too much…
Magnolia by The Hush Sound
April 30th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
First of all, I love that song! The lyrics really speak to me.
I get what you are saying about solitude and not fitting in. But I also truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
I’m not sure I can word things right, but I completely understand what you’re saying. I’ve been in the same place lately, wondering if solitude is what’s best for me since I’m so used to it. That I don’t quite fit in around normal people anymore.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:59 am
In recent years, I have withdrawn a lot. It’s been a challenge here (at work) because I am in a customer service department & I have people in here for 12 hours a day. Very challenging! I’m kinda like you ~ I don’t even want to give it much thought about dating. I’m comfy where I’m at. Now, try explaining that to my father. Sheesh. LOL
M~
May 1st, 2008 at 3:56 am
I never WAS a very social person. The PK and I had a VERY hard time dealing with that when we got together because he’s a huge social butterfly…whereas I’m more the home body.
I feel like I am the kind of person who could live on a completely deserted island and as long as I had my dogs, my music, my blog, mexican food and an unlimited supply of books, I’d be happy for the rest of my life.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:40 am
and I crave the solitude that some of you have and wonder if you SHOULD. LOL They say, the grass is always greener.. I’m kind of a social butterfly, but not so much by choice as by force…don’t get me wrong, I love my friends to death and love spending time with them, and my family too, but I would DIE for a retreat of sorts..just me…alone. completely. well..except for my dog of course..
Stacie
May 1st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I felt like this, a bit, last weekend. I enjoy being around my family, but I crave being alone, so when I had to leave my family and go to a retreat filled with people, I was anxious and upset. Mostly anxious. It was a feeling of wondering how hard I’d have to try to fit in, would I be accepted…the gamut of things.
However, I do think there’s someone for us all, but even that someone has to give us space.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:48 pm
After 45 years…I have found that people are much better in my fantasy. So let your mind win over the conflict of the heart. Less painful..and more entertaining.
Yes, today I am oozing cynicism…gee I better go get something over the counter for that. LOL
May 1st, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I bet it’s a side-effect of circumstances and what you need/are ready for. I could be wrong. But I admire your self-awareness and self-honesty regardless. I do think it’s like anything… we chameleons change the moment the right person materializes.
Things fall into place.
~S
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Both Mrs A and I had accepted the proposition that we would probably be alone for the rest of out lives. Then when we had settled comfortably in our isolation, when we were snuggled down with our isolation, we met, and all that went all to hell.
You aren’t really ready to be with someone else until you are comfortable with yourself, alone.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
AWWWWW That made me sad for you. I don’t think anyone should be alone forever. The right one just hasn’t surfaced yet. But, it is good that you are happy being by yourself. Once that special someone shows up, it will be even more special. I wish you happiness and peace no matter what life has in store for you.
May 4th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Maybe you’re ready to give it another try. I sometimes fall into long periods of being on my own, because it’s comfortable enough, and there’s no stress…but then I start to think too. Is this normal? Am I really happier this way, or am I avoiding disappointment. I don’t know but lately I feel like it’s worth trying. First dates however, are a nightmare. You definitely need a healthy sense of humor to get through THOSE.