Tormented
Indulge me for a moment if you will dear reader. I feel the need to remove the mask for a moment and give you a tiny glimpse at the twisted circus that is my psyche. I find myself infatuated. With a woman. I’m fairly certain she doesn’t read this blog - despite an irrational desire that she do so - so you can stop panicking.
Despite the cold, harsh light of reason that would suggest that any reciprocal feelings are impossible, there remains a tiny ember of optimism that refuses to be quashed. For weeks I’ve been veering back and forth between dream and reality and it’s taking a toll. Emotions are so… messy. Inconvenient. Painful. Illogical. Irrepressible. Alluring.
There are issues. Set aside for the moment the fact I’m the antithesis of Prince Charming. There’s an age gap. There are social complications. Perhaps entanglements. Those are all smoke screens I use though to mask the real problem… I mistrust my own judgment in these affairs.
Ultimately I fear rejection. I fear accidentally inflicting pain on another given my past failings in this regard. I fear the humiliation of her shocked reaction should I reveal the depth of my feelings. I’m never sure if I’m reading the situation correctly. Relationships remain an enigma for me.
Thus I remain locked in a purgatory of indecision. Not strong enough to turn my back on the possibility of affection and companionship, not courageous enough to risk utter failure for a chance at happiness. What to do… what to do…
You Are Mine by Mute Math
Take the leap, risk it. Just think what you might lose out on if you don’t. It’s scary, I know, but it’s worth it all in the end.
Trust me when I say that you can’t hold your heart in armor. Turning your back on opportunity, possibilities, protecting yourself all in the name of bypassing potential pain is no way to live. I should know because I am the poster child on this. I have wasted so much time isolating myself, all in the name of emotional protection. So don’t do what I am doing…take off the armor…leap…and grab the moment for the possibility of love…
Ohhh how I agree with Lea here. I can’t even begin to tell you all the opportunities wasted because I fail to have that “backbone”! It’s a big risk, Mike. Part of me agrees with you ~ just turn into that turtle & tuck your head in. But I would LOVE to see you happy with someone!
Perhaps ask this person out for coffee or something small to start with? Be friends first. Valuable lesson learned…
M~
I agree with all that has already been said here. I know how the fear of stepping off or being rejected can keep you hidden, but the regret on what could have been missed out on can be as crippling and disappointing. Rejection is tough, but if it happens, it can be viewed as a stepping stone to the next time. We can survive so much more than we think we can. Please listen to the wise people above me there and consider giving this a try. The reward of happiness is rich!
You people aren’t fooling me… you just want to see the train wreck when I crash and burn!
I keed, I keed…
Thanks for the advice. I took a swan dive, we’ll see what happens. I better stock up on rum, I think I’m out.
Taking that first heasitant step is a great challenge. Been there, done that. But if I had’t done that almost six yeas ago, I wouldn’t be with Mrs A now. It was so worth it. The possible benefits ouweigh the risk.
Test the waters, ny friend.
Is there a geographical gap too? That’s the one I wouldn’t know how to overcome. If it were me, I wouldn’t just ‘go for it’ - I’d ease into it and feel it out as you go?
Thanks for the advice everyone. A little moral support was all I needed and things are off on the right foot. Time will tell, time will tell…